The Hidden Faces of Narcissism

Have we become a nation of narcissists? Many suggest that narcissism has infiltrated our most trusted institutions from the corporate boardroom, to high offices of government and even our places of worship. To understand how narcissism finds its way into our lives we must remember it appears very differently in different settings and goes by different names.

• Gaslighting is a term that has been  adopted from the 1944 classic film Gaslight starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. We see this at Counseling Alliance LLC  when one person tries to make his or her partner look crazy in an effort to cover up his or her own inappropriate behavior. It happens in more subtle ways anytime a person, or group, tries to make others look foolish, wrong, or crazy for not seeing any given issue in the same way. The abuse of power is implied in this. Cultural encapsulation describes a  perspective in which one person, or group, believes their perspective is right, better, and preferred over another person's view. It's the "I'm right, you're wrong perspective" that is at the heart of prejudice.   Unfortunately, it appears in marriages and families, politics, even churches. The abuse of power is the common link with narcissism.
• Coercive control describes ways (some subtle, some abusive) that one person controls another. A common way this appears is when a family member asserts control over other family members that becomes abusive. This may happen through control of finances, limiting or demanding certain activities, or rigid beliefs about how others should live. Just some of the ways this shows up in our offices is when one person (often the father or husband) assumes a role of the leader of the family that is far from healthy. Denying others to have beliefs or opinions that differ, making inappropriate demands, and using their position of power to demand their own needs be met at the expense of others are all-to-often the abusive behaviors that appear. Lisa Aronson Fontes writes about how this impacts relationships in her book Invisible Chains.
• Religious institutions are not exempt. Recent studies suggest a connection between narcissistic behaviors and institutions of faith. Pastors are not exempt, as described in Let Us Prey, by Glenn Ball and Darrell Puls. In fact, the authors reference a study that suggests just under one in three pastors meet the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Diane Langberg has also addressed this issue in a chapter entitled "Narcissism and The System it Breeds" in her book Suffering and the Heart of God. Dr. Langberg understands trauma as the mission field of the 21st Century.  This may well be one of the most destructive and impactful aspects of narcissism. It brings together the aspects discussed above. Church members are gaslighted when rigid and dogmatic leaders demand their own way of relating to God is THE way. Failure to comply is labeled rebellion. Coercive control occurs when one's own personal experiences of God are demeaned and disallowed. An individual's own understanding of God and how to relate to God are thus called into question by the "authority" figure. This often ends in tragedy when a person is so confused and their sense of self is so beaten down they can no longer feel safe...even with God.
• One last area that must be addressed is the role of narcissism is its role in problematic sexual behavior. Individuals impacted by sexual addiction are often masters of gaslighting and coercive control.  Addiction thrives in secrecy and if the person struggling with the      addiction believes his or her behavior is about to be discovered the skills of deception and misdirection are called into action. There are helpful articles and resources to learn more about the connection between sex addiction and narcissism. The Ranch, in Nunnelly, TN has an excellent introduction to the topic. Rob  Weiss offers "proof that porn users are narcissistic" in his blog post Narcissism, Porn Use and Addiction.  Lastly, addictionhope.com addresses the challenges of treating (or living with) a narcissistic sex addict in A Terrible Tango When Narcissism And Sex Addiction  Combine.
• One last comment. If you are in a relationship that is abusive get help. The help      may begin with counseling, but if the abuse is physical or sexual get the support you need to find safety. Be wise. Be informed. 

Start your journey to health and safety by contact Counseling Alliance LLC today.